Introducing My Blog: Walking with Drew (by his sister, Dianna)

Hello, to anyone who may be reading, in this world or in the next. My name is Dianna. I was lucky enough to be Drew's sister for 31 years while he was alive, and I will continue being his sister, in whatever form that takes, for many years to come.

I will use this blog as a space to write about Drew as I knew him-- it is by no means the only or the most definitive account. Indeed, I hope it will be one of several blogs, testimonials, and written reflections about Drew gathered on this site. I will also write about the experience of losing Drew so suddenly and so brutally to metastatic melanoma. I will write about why the news that his illness would be terminal came as such a shock to me, and then, relatedly, delve into my early research and thinking about thanatology: anticipatory grief, the lack of preparation for dying, and what might be usefully called the "cruel optimism" (Berlant) of medical professionals when conveying information to catastrophically ill patients and their families.

I will write about memories with Drew, conversations we had, the wisdom and ethical grace he taught me over the many years of our relationship as siblings (only 13 months apart), and how he endeavored—even under the most horrific physical suffering—to create beauty, musical offerings, teachings, and spiritual praxis under the kind of psychosomatic pressure that would annihilate most but somehow brought out the very best in him.

The second "genre" of posts that will regularly appear on this blog is a kind of reading guide/reflection/imagined discussion as I walk with Drew through the text that was most transformative during his life, for his longstanding Buddhist practice: Thich Nhat Hanh's "Old Path White Clouds" (Parallax Press, 1991). During my final goodbye with Drew, just a short time ago, when we sat down on the couch, he had this book with him. He also wrote down the title in my notebook, which at that point, took energy and effort that were running low. When I asked him where I will be able to find him in the remaining years of my adult life, when I want to talk to him, which will be often, probably daily, if not several hours weekly (our usual routine)... he said, "I will be with you when you're reading this book." He also communicated, more or less, that it will provide protection, advice, spiritual challenges, and resonances in precisely the way he would be doing were he still alive. The endorsement couldn't have been stronger.

So, given the strength of Drew's recommendation and its lasting impact on me, I'm going to be walking with him (and you, if you'd like to accompany us) through Thich Nhat Hanh's entire book, all 81 chapters, taking it 5-10 chapters at a time. My posts will bring in direct quotes from the text, probably offer some analysis and some intellectualization that could be read as symptomatic, but it's also characteristic of my processing style (you'll get used to it if you become a regular reader)... I will also include questions for Drew as they emerge organically, candid reflections about how some of the key insights and teachings land with me, spiritually and intellectually, as well as any resistances, doubts, and uncertainties that come up, as they assuredly will. My imagined audience for the Old Path White Cloud posts will be Drew, so the vibe will be slightly different from the memory/reflection/grief posts described above.

Thank you for reading so far! Please check back soon for additional posts; I tend to be prolific when I'm grieving. I often turn emotional energy/affect into symbolic production when I'm feeling overwhelmed; it helps me make sense of things and translate my inner world--my psychic and intellectual/reflective interiority that can feel enfolding and hermetic at times like this, and needs extending, expanding outwards--into some more tangible, exterior form.

I hope some or all of this writing reaches Drew in some way, and that it keeps bringing him back into life through you, the readers, present and future: family, friends, supportive witnesses, community members, and others honoring Drew's memory and the magnitude of my family's loss.

I'm going to include some photos of me and Drew, if I can. More soon.

--Dianna