Building Trust on "The Path of Compassion"

Building Trust on “The Path of Compassion” 

OPWC Ch. 9

– December 18, 5:58 to 6:46 pm

How do you build trust in a relationship—whether new or old, in the process of construction or reconstruction? We couldn’t have better teachers in our newlyweds, Siddhartha and Yasodhara, so let’s dive straight into the text. 

The couple marry in a truly magnificent-sounding wedding with lots of bright colors, delicious foods, excessive pageantry, and all the signifiers of luxury. Similarly, in the first weeks of their marriage, Siddhartha and Yasodhara lead a privileged life as royals. But, we are told by the end of the first page, happiness for the couple “was not to be found in a pampered life of wealth and status. Their happiness came from opening their hearts and sharing their deepest thoughts with each other” (64). This sounds like a nice, generally agreed-upon sentiment: “They don’t care about material things,” which is precisely where it risks flattening into a platitude. Digging deeper: their happiness as a couple comes from opening and sharing, that is, from what flows between them when they’re sharing intellectual/erotic/spiritual/physical/sensory space with one another, from what moves and grows and changes between them. I couldn’t agree more. Proceed. 

“They both had their own dreams—to find answers concerning the spiritual quest and renewal of society” (64). The dash here becomes not a wound or cut of separation or ego differentiation; instead, it becomes a connector: a bridge from individual dreams into a shared sense of purpose, project, or aims to accomplish (recall that Siddhartha’s name means “the one who accomplishes his aims”). We learn that both Siddhartha and Yasodhara are shrewd in their own ways: Siddhartha understands the political and psychical dynamics leading to corruption in his father’s government, the hoarding of power. Even more importantly, he understands what he can do to help and what he can’t do from his position as prince. He maps power as well as the limits of its exercise and authority, which explains his later decision to become a great Teacher rather than succeed his father as king. 

Yasodhara, on the other hand, has a shrewdness that manifests as empathetic pragmatism responsive to the perpetual state of crisis in the present. She supports and believes in Siddhartha’s quest to attain Enlightenment as a transformative project, but a longer term one that could take years to realize, and “in the meantime, sufferings would continue to daily unfold around them. And so she believed it was important to respond right in the present moment” (65). Yasodhara: more of the activist, lives in the immediacy of the present and wants to mitigate existing suffering. However, we learn, Siddhartha sees a limitation in Yasodhara’s work: he worries about her depleting her energy as she alleviates and witnesses suffering, becoming jaded/depressed/burnt out, and not being able to sustain her work in the world. Still, he waits to share this advice with her until she’s able to receive it (not until the next chapter). 

So how are they building trust? In the sharing of hearts, the opening of minds, they exchange both their interiority and exteriority—individual dreams bridging into shared action/answers, from the earlier quote. This is how Siddhartha understands why Yasodhara’s work matters (to her, in the world), the kind of invisible labors it requires/the toll it takes on her, and worries about her long-term thriving under those conditions. He thinks about the relationship between her (and his) internal and external worlds. There are also, in these pages, constant mentions of support and/or “loving support,” which flows in both directions.

Support across registers: material, spiritual, and emotional. I also really appreciate the fact that support isn’t unconditional and isn’t unqualified here. I'll expand—support isn’t unconditional, meaning that it’s earned through a sharing and opening of minds/hearts and comes from appreciation of the other’s work. Support isn’t unqualified, meaning there is healthy disagreement and ideological divergence within the couple. They don’t share the same approach to political action and social change at this point—that’s actually what most of this chapter fleshes out. Shared goals, different processes and registers, equally honored as generative paths. Some walking together, some walking apart. Holding complexity, mitigating worry, anticipating capacity. 

(By the way: we’ll loop back in the next chapter to see how Siddhartha navigates the delicate terrain of sharing his well-meaning feedback with Yasodhara. Because it certainly raises the question, or the problem, or the impasse, of whether and how to advise a partner in a way that builds, rather than fractures, trust, love, and understanding. That’s something I could certainly work on, keeping it 100. So I’ll reflect on this question more as we go). 

More soon.